Are You Smothering Your Man? Here’s How to Know…

Before we ask the provocative question of “Are you smothering your man?” let’s start with a simpler question. What is “smothering” and why does it bother men so much?

You’ve probably heard the term “smothering” before, as well as all the clichés like “I need some space!” or “I need some time apart!” or even the more dramatic “We need a break.”

What does any of it mean? And how is it that even though you both crave emotional intimacy, one of you is still unhappy with how close you are? Shouldn’t the opposite be true, shouldn’t you both LOVE the idea of smothering, like a couple of gazing lovebirds?

Maybe it’s time we consider what smothering actually means—and how men perceive these “smothering qualities.”

Everything in relationships is based on how your partner perceives your actions. So let’s start with this simple fact: whatever you do, regardless of good intentions, will be interpreted by your partner. And depending on his past experiences, he may see your actions as positive, neutral or negative.

According to Psychology Today, when one partner complains about “needing space”, it’s not necessarily about intimacy but about identity. One partner may feel that his or her life, once highly independent, is being sucked into an “US” – a relationship. Now all those independent thoughts have been taken over by an organism that requires teamwork and group thinking all at the expense of individuality.

The goal then is to find a balance between “togetherness and independence”, and in a way that doesn’t threaten your partner.

Here are three ways to know if you are smothering your man and unconsciously pushing him away.

1. “YOU, you are the problem!”

Does it seem like most conversations with your man involve “you do this” and “you do that”? In trying to help, don’t make the mistake of trying to control him and explain to him why he needs some mothering. The more you try to explain that “you always do this and so you need some of this!” the worse you’re making him feel. It’s best to avoid talking so much about “you do this” and instead focus on “I”. As in, “I feel this way. The way I think, I tend to do this. I feel anxious about this and so I react in this way.”

By making the conversation more about how you feel and less about what he’s doing wrong, you give him back his dignity while still voicing your needs. He’s a grown man and doesn’t want to be taken care of or mothered because he feels this robs him of his independence. Learn to communicate your needs without insisting that you take care of his too. He may want to manage his own life and resents the control you have over planning his day.

2. He seems to resist when you touch him.

Your level of physical affection can also be a telling sign about the relationship. Partners who feel smothered by the other tend to become defensive when they are hugged, kissed and touched. The reason is not necessarily because they fear intimacy or don’t like huggy-kissy stuff. Rather, they pick up on a very subtle problem.

Partners who feel needy will often over-compensate in affection, basically using their hugs and kisses as a control technique. As in, “If I keep hugging or kissing him he won’t want to look elsewhere. He will realize how much he loves me. I need to remind him of why he’s with me.”

Some women feel entitled to hug and kiss their man as often as they want, assuming that marriage implies freedom of intimacy and affection all the time. But Psychology Today quoted Dr. Patricia Farrell, who said “Agree to provide each other with a signal that it’s OK to cuddle. It avoids misunderstandings and hurtful put-downs.”

The real problem comes when you ignore your partner’s signal to give him space and you go in for affection anyway because you need it. Yes, to you it’s a demonstration of love. But he interprets it as, “She needs this regardless of how I feel right now.”

3. You’re trying too hard when he wants to try harder.

Lastly, learn to take “a few steps back” so he can take a step forward. This is a negotiating tactic that is very effective—but often forgotten in marriage. When one party is pushing too far and becomes invasive, the other takes a step back. The invasive party now backs away two steps, allowing the defensive party to come out and feel safe, taking just one step forward.

This is just as necessary in marriage. When one partner is overly affectionate or micromanaging or pushing too hard, the other partner will shrink back. When you sense this happening, the wise thing to do is “take two steps back” in conversation so that your partner can feel calm and centered and then get back his confidence to speak freely.

The easier way to remember this principle is to simply “Let the man chase you”, as we often say here. By “chasing” the man and smothering him with too much attention, you’re not letting him provide. You’re not letting him chase you.

Men are biologically happier when they can follow their own instincts and work harder to please you. He wants to decide when to talk, when to share and when to confide in you. Don’t force him to share according to your timeframe, because once again, you’re dominating the relationship and robbing him of his independent life. Be ready to accommodate him WHEN he wants to talk (and if it’s convenient for you) and then reward him for the effort he puts forth. Don’t reward him with hugs and kisses if he hasn’t done anything to merit that affection. Chances are, that’s not what he needs right now.

If you can remember these three basic principles, you can avoid smothering your man and instead focus doing more of what makes you both happy.

The 5 Word Phrase That Destroys a Man’s Love For You And Drives Him Out Of Your Life

There’s a simple 5 word phrase that will destroy any man’s love for you and drive him out of your life completely…

It usually comes out as an honest question when you want to connect with him…

But only serves to push him away and slowly kill your relationship from the inside out…

It can take a man who is filled with love and passion for you…

And make him feel cold, distant, and uninterested…

Have you figured out what it is yet?

Many women send this as a text message when they’re feeling insecure…

And then are confused why he suddenly pulls away and disappears completely…

Most of the women who ask it don’t even know how harmful it is…

Yet it can take a relationship that seems like it’s perfect…

A relationship where you feel loved, cared for, and like you’ve finally found “the one”…

And overnight, it can tear that relationship apart…

Leaving you confused, frustrated, and heartbroken…

If you don’t know what this simple yet seemingly innocent question is…

I want you to stop what you’re doing and go watch this video presentation that I put together for you at the link below…

Click here to watch the video now <<

My name is Matthew Coast and I’ve been teaching in the dating industry on since 2005…

I’ve helped hundreds of thousands of women, all over the world…

Get into relationships where they feel loved, seen, and cherished by the men they’re with…

When you click the link this link right here <<

I show you what this 5 word phrase is…

I’ll teach you about why men pull away, how to stop it from happening…

And how to attract the man you want…

Into a relationship where you’re loved and adored and treated like a priority…

No matter how painful things have been in your past…

You can attract a great man and have a great relationship…

Just click the link on your screen and the watch the video right now…

If you’re struggling with men pulling away from you…

If you’re tired of giving everything to a relationship and only being taken for granted…

And if you’re ready to have a man see you as a woman that he wants to be with forever…

Click this link to watch my video right now <<

16 thoughts on “Are You Smothering Your Man? Here’s How to Know…”

  1. “When one partner is overly affectionate or micromanaging or pushing too hard, the other partner will shrink back.”

    This seems true to me but the assumption seems to be that only women push too hard and only men shrink back. Maybe that’s the more common scenario but it can be just reverse. And the reverse is my experience.

    I have the impression that most relationship advice is written for women on the understanding, probably correct, that women seek relationship advice more actively than men. But I’ve yet to find good advice about to respond when you are the object of the push rather than the pusher.

      1. I am an older lady, and I am a Lady. Older men are so aggressive and almost desperate. that they drive me away. I do not want to be man-handled and suggestive remarks made on the first date.

          1. I just had an experience where I met a gentleman at home Depot and I’m in my 50s he helped me pick out sanding paper for a project that was working on I gave him my number because he asked first time because I had been with somebody 20 years. Our first film conversation he asked when was the last time I had sex I blocked him

  2. It is just crazy how much I can relate to all of this advice and how much that exactly what Matt is saying is happening. I have never been told by someone before that they are afraid of advancing in a relationship with me but it happened just last night, all of this explains it perfectly! Thank you!

  3. I was confused and disagree that giving higs and kisses as a “reward” when he hasn’t “done anything”…the man I am “trying” to have a relationship with doesn’t have to “do” anything to be hugged or kissed, I WANT TO. So I guess that makes me weak, clingy and “smothering”? At 65, and he 63, I TRULY feel we should be past all this “chasing” and “smothering” stuff… but I guess it must mean I am not the one he wants REALLY….

  4. I dont trust him he lies every breath l. And in all his past relationships he has cheated on them how do I learn to trust him.. and it is different in this relationship he has pushed me away with all his lies..my question is why he spend so much time thanking bout what i did in my past and why is it driving him crazy thinking buout my past and raising all hell bout what he thinks I did in my past.i didnt even know him…

  5. I had been dating this guy for two months and he was so wonderful and attentive I thought this is what I am looking for then all of a sudden he disappears and gives a lame excuse and won’t even talk to me. I only ask where did he see this going with us I thought after two months I wanted to know this is when he pulled away.

  6. I’m in trouble I can’t get real answers or attention from my husband anymore and when I do its not good I can’t figure out what went so wrong we were so close but now he does everything he can to stay away from me and he won’t have an honest open conversation or any emotion with me at all I am so confused its not like we have a couple years together its been 22 and the first 20 were loving I think he is having an affair but I can’t get him to talk what do I do its ripping our family apart

    1. N. I had the same experience but I actually went through cancer at the end of our relationship he hadn’t had sex with me in five years and I’m in my fifties but not ugly or out of shape… We’ve been apart three years and I’ve always thought he was having an affair. To this day he will not admit it. We remain friends but it’s tough on me because I’m still in love and this article really helped me understand more about men

  7. I don’t give affection out of neediness; it is a strong desire (one of my love languages is touch, another is quality time, which I prefer a fair amount of). Example: my ex thought I wanted ‘birthday sex’ but what I really wanted, Craved, was a looooong cuddle session. I love those loving touches and embraces.

    I’m currently single with no prospect in sight but for future reference, what would you advise I do?
    True, I don’t want to smother or control or push him away but… I also don’t want to feel neglected or deprived and don’t want to look elsewhere to meet said needs (I’m strictly monogamous) and don’t know how to get that ‘loving touch’ through my own means. So, what am I to do? :/

  8. I’m sick of trying to please a man. Why can’t a man please us women for a chance. It’s always about a woman that has to do all the work, what about men?! All the articles are directed to women and I’m sick of this.

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Scroll to Top
%d bloggers like this: