If you still don’t know who I am, my name is Matthew Coast and today, I’m going to help you figure out why he won’t commit to you.
The topic that I get asked about the most by my clients is around the area of commitment.
“Am I not relationship material?”
“Why are men so commitment phobic?”
“We’ve been seeing each other for 8 years and he still won’t commit to me. What am I doing wrong?”
I have clients all over the world and they all want to know the same thing:
Why won’t he commit to me!?!
The absolute number 1 reason why men say they won’t commit is this:
“I’m not ready for something serious”
…Maybe he wants to be successful in his career and sees a relationship as a lot of work or a distraction from his desire for achievement.
…Maybe he needs to emotionally heal from a breakup or an abusive relationship of some kind.
…Maybe he doesn’t see a committed relationship as being congruent with his current lifestyle. He wants to travel, fulfill his sense of adventure, party a lot, etc.
…Maybe he thinks he needs to provide financially for a relationship and doesn’t feel like he’s in a position to really do that yet.
…Maybe his culture dictates that men don’t settle down until they’re much older.
…Maybe he’s not emotionally mature enough to handle a long-term relationship.
…Maybe he’s still hung up on an ex-girlfriend of his.
…Maybe he’s got a situation from his past that makes it so that it’s difficult for him to surrender himself to a commitment with someone.
Whatever the reason is, he’ll tell you he’s not ready
And no amount of begging, pleading, showing him how much you love him, or attempting to pressure him into a commitment is going to change what he’s going to say…
But this isn’t always the truth.
The truth is that most men ARE ready… they say they aren’t ready because they don’t know what else to say.
But we’ll get to the real problem in a moment…
The real question you should ask is this:
Is he open to being in a committed relationship or not?
If he’s not, you need to decide whether staying with him is worth it. That means staying with him even though he may never commit to you.
If he is open to being in a commitment, ask him why he’s not ready. Some men will have a legitimate reason.
And find out what it’s going to take for him to be in a space where he is ready.
…there’s another problem that men typically don’t want to tell you about. He may hide it from you because he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings.
I’m going to tell you the truth though… because I want you to get what you want.
If he tells you he isn’t ready for the type of relationship that you want, he may just be telling you that because…
He doesn’t feel the desire to commit to YOU
I know… that’s harsh. Yet it’s something that I think is important for you to hear.
You see, if he doesn’t want to commit to you, he may not feel anything more than a superficial attraction to you.
Before I tell you how to make him feel something deeper with you, let’s examine the reasons why a guy might want to commit himself to a relationship.
Why would a guy want to commit himself to a relationship?
Have you ever thought about that? I think it’s important to know if you want him to commit himself to you.
The first reason, and probably the worst, is out of personal obligation. This is when he thinks he has to commit. He thinks it’s somehow his duty or his responsibility, even though he doesn’t actually want to.
Obligation leads to miserable relationships. Sometimes, guys will feel obligated to commit to someone because they have a child with that person. He might feel like it’s his duty to stay around and take care of the mother and the child.
While this can definitely be a good thing, it isn’t the foundation for a healthy relationship. There also might be some cultural or religious expectations that bind a man to a commitment with a woman.
Regardless of what the reason is, obligation doesn’t lead to a healthy relationship. And a lot of women attempt to pressure men into relationships this way.
They use guilt trips and sob stories. Yet if a man gets tied to a relationship this way, it’s never a healthy one.
He may end up cheating, lying, and turning to abusive behavior to cope with the unsettling thoughts of feeling caged. Most relationships that center around obligated commitments are just time bombs waiting to go off.
I don’t like being such a Debbie Downer so let’s move on to the next reason…
The second reason, which may be a little bit better, is when a guy commits out of convenience.
While this is certainly better than feeling obligated, there isn’t any real desire to actually be in the relationship.
It’s just that being in the relationship is easier than the alternative. He has certain needs and desires that are being fulfilled by staying in the relationship. And that’s easier than getting out of it.
He might feel like it’s a lot of work to go back to being single and looking for someone else to be with.
Maybe the woman he’s with makes him feel good about himself and validates his sense of worthiness. At any rate, a commitment like this typically makes the woman feel like she is carrying all the weight of the relationship.
The man doesn’t really feel any need to change things, take the relationship to the next level or do much for the woman he’s with. Typically, this relationship feels like it’s not going anywhere.
And the only way that a man will take this type of a relationship to the next level is if he feels afraid that the woman he’s with will leave him. You can usually recognize this type of relationship because the man doesn’t do much work to be a part of it.
In fact, it usually gets started by the woman making all of the effort and pursuing the man. He doesn’t feel committed to the relationship because he didn’t do much in order to earn it.
While I don’t recommend playing games with guys, if he doesn’t feel like he earned being in the relationship, he won’t value it very highly. And then it will feel like pulling teeth to get him to increase his level of commitment over time.
The third reason men commit, and perhaps the only type of commitment that’s going to lead to the type of relationship that you want is this:
A guy feels that being in a relationship with you would be so valuable
to him that he would be crazy not to be in it.
How could you be so valuable to a man that he would be crazy not to be in a relationship with you?
If you want a man to desire a commitment with you, the most important thing that he has to feel is that his life would be better with you than without you.
That’s the absolute baseline feeling that he MUST have in order to want a commitment.
This 1 Mistake Makes Him Lose His Desire to Commit
If you’re in a casual, friend with benefits, “situationship” with a guy that you have feelings for but he doesn’t feel the same way or he won’t commit to you…
If you’re sitting around waiting for a man to commit to you and questioning whether you should walk away or give him more time…
If you’re single and you feel like all the men you meet just want sex, don’t put in any effort, or are all talk and no action…
If you’re tired of all the games, putting in all the effort while getting nothing back, and men who are confused or not sure what they really want…
Make sure you NEVER press his “commitment phobia button” or else he’ll feel like you’re the WRONG woman for him.
He’ll begin to feel unsure, confused, and avoid the topic altogether.
P.S. If a man IS commitment-phobic, your best chance of making him crave a commitment with you is to use something I call, “The Power Phrase.”
Many times, this is EXACTLY what he needs to hear to commit.